The Death of Superman

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
-Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Greetings folks! Times are hard and the rent is due even for The Diplomat. The past few months of my life have been a whirlwind of an experience both professionally and personally. I detailed some of the professional issues (I Did It My Way 7/19/12) I’ve encountered as of yet, but it only tells part of the story. I try to keep my private life in the dark from you, rarely mentioning the names of some of the people I reference in these posts. I’ve always prided myself on being able to rise above my circumstances and stand tall despite the chaos and controversy that surrounds me. However, admittedly that has been difficult as of late. My cape is tattered, there are chinks in my armor and I can’t fly anymore. I’m hungry, I’m tired and not sure if I can play superhero anymore. I think this superhero might be dead.

Sitting up high on my perch writing my morning messages and my weekly blog posts is growing more and more difficult. It’s hard to advise, guide and inspire others to do more when you’re battling your own demons. It’s tough to console others during their tough moments when you yourself are in mourning.

This most recent leg of the journey that I’m currently on has been challenging, heart wrenching and at times has knocked me down. It’s one thing to fight a battle at work, at home, with family, or with love. It’s damn near death defying to do all at the same time. Combine that with a bout with a virus that put me down for over a week and you have beleaguered ex-superhero searching for answers he has yet to find.

I’ve always been a man of faith. Anyone who knows me, or reads a couple of posts can figure that out. But what do the faithful do when their faith is challenged? What do the strong do when they feel weak? What do the superheroes do once they’ve lost their power? These are the questions I’ve been seeking to answer as of late because frankly I’ve been at a lost.

I’ve enjoyed success at nearly everything that I’ve ever done. I’ve always been the best, one of the brightest and supremely confident that everything would work out because it always has. Yet given my recent circumstances it’s not so easy to strap on that confidence anymore. It’s tough to put on that mask and head out into the world as if everything is alright. They say the first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have one. It would take me all day and several posts to list all of the problems that I have so I’ll just start with one. I’m coming to grips with my humanness. I’m beginning to realize that I’m not really Superman, that I can’t fly, that I’m not faster than a locomotive, and that I don’t have x-ray vision. That realization leads to questions about what to do with my cape, my tights and that “S” on my chest. What will my day be like now? How do I go on? What’s next? What do I tell the people?

I’ve been so much to my family, friends, co-workers, students and strangers. For so long I’ve felt like their dependence on me was liken to a relationship an addict has with their dealer. As of late I’ve found just how addicted I am to the relationship and have acknowledge the co-dependence. The desire to be wanted, appreciated, desired, needed is a high I get like a coke fiend gets from his hit. I’ve realized that as broad as my shoulders are they aren’t broad enough. As strong as my back is, it’s not strong enough. As confident and secure as I’ve been my entire life…I’m not sure it’s there anymore. I want to keep the faith but honestly it’s hard. It’s like watching the building burn down around you and staying positive you’re going to make it out alive. It’s not impossible, just incredibly difficult.

I don’t know. I’d like to continue the good fight, sojourn on but I’ve lost sight of what comes next so making that next step isn’t so easy anymore. I guess I’ve sort of loss my way and I’m desperately trying to find it. I’m trying to muster up the strength, the courage, the faith to take that next step despite the fact I can’t see the stairs.

I’m encouraged by the sunrise this morning and the sunset this evening. Encouraged that so long as those two occurrences happen every day I have a chance to be good, to be better, to be great. I’m unsure of where this road I’m travelling now leads me. I don’t know who I’ll meet along the way and who will be traveling alongside me. I have no idea what awaits me at the end of this journey and I’m slightly excited. What once used to be a fear of the unknown has now been supplanted with a childlike curiosity and fervor as to what happens next. I can’t see the whole stairway. I can barely see the first step, but I have faith it’s going to work out.

Here goes nothing…

Until next time, Stay Up and Be Blessed!