I Don't Know Why

I’m sitting here on the couch watching television texting a new friend who asked when my birthday is. As I reply two things hit me: (1) that my birthday is right around the corner; and (2) that this day will forever live on not just as the day of my birth but as the day I asked her to marry me.

At the time it seemed like a good idea; to ask her to marry me on my birthday. It was Puerto Rico, our first real trip alone and it was my birthday. She’s very sentimental and would want me to remember the date I proposed. I too can be sentimental but I was fearful my bad memory would get in the way of my good intentions. So I concocted the bright idea to ask her in Puerto Rico, at dinner on my birthday. It worked. Two years later I can still say I remember. Even though I don’t want to, I still do.

It’s not the fact that I asked that’s the problem, because she did say yes. It’s the fact that 2 years after the proposal, 20 months after the engagement party and 8 months after I left D.C. without her, I still don’t know why things happened the way they did. When the question is posed, “why aren’t you together?” or “why did you break up?” it takes me a while to a formulate an answer before I mumble something and change the subject. Never is it “the answer” because I don’t know “The Answer” and it kind annoys me. Ending a relationship that you were in for the better part of a decade, barely speaking to a woman who probably knows me better than I know myself and whom up until recently I had never thought about spending a day without, is rough. It’s even rougher when you can’t put a finger on exactly why your world changed so drastically. We know why dinosaurs are extinct, why Rome fell and who framed Roger Rabbit, but I have no clue why she’s gone, why she left and why I’m here and she’s there.

I have tried to trivialize the lack of an answer in an effort to move on and move forward. However, I can’t help but want to know why. Part of me wants to know so I know how and where to file this mishap so I can lock it up and never speak of it again once I know the truth. Another part of me thinks that maybe knowing why will aid in the growth I’ve experienced since “the break up” in getting me to move forward.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve tried my damndest to move on. I’ve tried the usual suspects: drinking, smoking (cigars), music, sex, women, television and while I must admit I am in a much better place than I was 8 months ago, I’m admittedly nowhere near where I’d like to be. I’d like to be in a place where I don’t think about her every day, or if I do I can do so without asking that damn question “why.” I’d like to be in a place where everything doesn’t remind me of her and us. I’d like to be in a place where I’m not giving eligible candidates the stiff arm because I’m still not ready. But, I’m not there yet and I wonder if part of the reason I’m not there is because I don’t know why I’m where I am right now.

I’ve asked; she’s answered; but none of it makes sense. When the words leave her mouth it all sounds like Greek to me and I don’t speak Greek. How can I learn from a situation, grow and be better if I don’t even know the lesson to be learned? I know she’s doing her thing, living her life and probably enjoying it too. While I sit here undulating back and forth like a inner tube in the open ocean between being ok and nowhere near it. In her mind she knows why she walked away. She knows why we’re not together and that’s ok with her. Hell it was her decision. Me on the other hand, I’m at a lost for words, ideas and at times my sanity, trying to piece this all together. And it makes me sick. I hate feeling this way; helpless, confused, not in control. Especially knowing (or at least thinking) that the co-pilot on this crashing plane bailed out before you could because they saw it coming and failed to let you know before the plane hit the ground.

I’m in a place now here the thought of a monogamous relationship, that doesn’t involve her, isn’t all that scary. I still admit that I’m not quite ready, and this post perhaps serves as evidence of that, but I’ve gotten a lot better. I’ve been unpacking this emotional baggage as time has gone by and I’m looking forward to getting this last piece or two of luggage lost in the airport and buying a new wardrobe at my next destination. In the mean time, I’m going to live my life to the fullest and when an answer appears I’ll be sure to write it down, take a picture of it, make two copies and file it away. Until then it is what it is.

To Whom Much is Given

The bible says, "To whom much is given, much is required." This statement is so simple yet so profound. I think it's fairly easy to apply this proverb to money and food, as they're probably the two things that come to mind first. However, this mantra should also be applied to our time and talent.

Anyone who knows me, knows I value my time and schedule about as much as I value a pair of football season tickets; HIGHLY. As a friend put it to me the other day, "if you don't value your time who will." Who should if I don't? There will always be demands on your time from different areas in your life. Due to my profession and ambitions, there are a lot of them, and at times they overlap and conflict with my personal life. To remedy this, I put everything on my calendar. That includes work, meetings, drinks with a friend, the Dolphins' football schedule, even shows I want to watch. Is it a little obsessive? I wouldn't be surprised if you said yes, because I've heard it before. But it's how I ensure I have time to do everything that needs to get done.

The point is—is that we're required to give of our time; to family, friends, children, strangers, to somebody, somewhere who isn't us. This can be volunteering at a homeless shelter, coaching little league sports, reading to the elderly or mentoring or something totally different. It is true money does make the world go round and it is very necessary for important things such as AIDS research, improving our education system and food. However, time to many people is more important. It’s invaluable and puts you face-to-face with the cause in a way signing a check or swiping a debit card doesn’t.

Things at work have been terribly difficult as of late for a number of reasons; a new judge, a new courtroom partner, difficult cases and situations which have arisen lately. While I admit things have been challenging, nothing has been impossible and I take some joy in that. My initial reaction though was to get down and sink into this funk, which took a lot of time, effort (and alcohol) to get out of. The other day I was catching up with a friend on facebook telling her how bad things have been as of late. She said something that resonated in me. She said, “To whom much is given.” And immediately when I read the statement, I knew it was meant for me. I knew that it meant that I had to stop complaining, take the hardships as opportunities for greatness and get on my J-O-B.

There has rarely ever been a doubt in my mind that I’m destined for greatness, because I know “this too shall pass.” However, the journey to this “greatness” hasn’t always been so clear and I think it rarely is, if at all, for most people. But what I do know is that to handle the big things in life you have to be able to deal with the little things. How can God expect you to deal with millions of dollars if you’re having trouble dealing with the hundreds or thousands you have now? How can I say I can lead when I don’t know how to follow? It’s impossible. With this post comes a new revelation that I’m blessed and highly favored and that I have to do the best I can with what I have before expecting more and you should do the same. Stay up, Stay Blessed, Stay Motivated!

I'm Sorry

"I'm sorry." Two simple words, are two the hardest words to say together. Right or wrong, admitting faut is difficult to do. How else do you explain the thousands of people who answer "not guilty" every day, when they know full well that they did it. How else do you explain the high divorce rate in America? How else do you explain the break up of Shaq and Kobe? Saying sorry is tough. The difficulty of the act is ratcheted up when you truly, honestly, sincerely and whole-heartedly believe that you're innocent. I'm not talking about "O.J. innocent." I'm talking about "I wasn't even in the country when the murder occured innocent." I think most of us would much rather sleep on the couch, endure the piercing stares from a siginficant other or walk around ignoring co-workers and family than to admit fault where, in our view, there is none. And understandably so.

While it's easy to focus the miniscule number of words in the phrase as a reason to give in, you have to focus on the meaning for the reason why people are so reluctant to do it. It hurts. The pain associated with apologizing is somewhere between tetnis shot and rectal examination (with no lube). It means admitting you messed up, that you made a mistake, that contrary to popular belief (including your own) that you aren't perfect. And for many of us, it's hard admitting that there are chinks in the armor or that we're not really from the planet Krypton.

Because if you focus on the positive, you realize that there is so much more to be gained by saying "I'm sorry." Respect, credibility, respectability, friendship, productivity are just a few of the things one may garner by saying "I'm sorry." If any of these things are even remotely important to you or your goals than it is certainly worth swallowing that huge egg called your PRIDE and sucking it up. Being able to apologize, regardless of who's at fault is a sign of leadership, humility, character and responsibility. While it may be tough, hard, arduous, difficult and feel like you're getting a wisdom tooth removed with not anesthesia, it may well be worth the excruciating pain to keep the peace.