“I'm a recovering undercover over-lover recovering from a love I can't get over.”
Erykah Badu-“Out My Mind, Just in Time”
Ever hear the lyrics to a song and feel “damn, they wrote this song for me”? Lol, that’s exactly how I felt when I heard Erykah Badu’s “Out My Mind, Just in Time.” I smiled, turned it up and listened as she sang my story. As I sit here listening to her beautiful voice sing alongside the accompanying piano, I can’t help but smile and think of the memories it conjures of “the love I can’t get over” that I thought I was over.
I’ve been in and out of a few different relationships and with some great women and with some not so great. Regardless of their caliber, they all ended the same, in heartache, heartbreak and disappointment. Despite my ability to cook, my nice smile and willingness to settle down it didn’t work out. You see I had problems letting go of that love. Everywhere I went she was on my mind. Everything I did reminded me of her; of us, which made it impossible to move on.
Foolishly I thought I was in control and that me moving on and moving past her was just a matter of mind over matter. I believed that if I was strong willed enough, that if I wanted to enough that I could move on just as easily as D-Wade moves through the lane. I was wrong. You were right Friend and I should have listened to you from the beginning. Stubbornly I discounted your advice, ignored your warnings and did my own thing; went my own way and hurt a few people along the way including myself.
Insanity may be defined as doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. For the last year or so, I’ve been certifiably crazy. Trying to speed down a highway full of speed bumps; trying to bulldoze my way through a building too thick to be toppled; trying to climb a wall too tall to be scaled. Now that I’m tired of being crazy, tired of being frustrated, tired of being wrong, still ready to move on, I’m ready to listen.
Being in a relationship for as long as I was with my ex and then trying to move on is like trying to stop smoking. You can do it, but it’s going to take both work and time. I was putting in the work, but I was expecting to be done overnight. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way, so I’m still here in rehab, on my way to recovery, longing for that day when I’ll no longer be an addict.
I don’t think about her as much as I used to. We don’t talk the way we used to. But I’m still not quite ready. Part of me finds it hard to trust a woman further than I can throw her. Part of me is afraid to commit, sell-out the arena that is my heart and be left alone to perform a two-man show. Part of me desperately wants to find another lover I can’t get over, but I’m not quite ready yet. Part of me wishes I could start a new life with the pretty girl I gave the stiff arm to, but part of me knows I can’t. I’m sorry I can’t be the man you want me to be, the man I used to be, the man you deserve, but you’ll have to deal with part of me or none of me, because right now I’m not ready to give anyone all of me.
Please don’t take it personal, try to understand that the man that you see today, while we share the same name, social security number and address, is much different than the man I used to be, want to be and unsure I’ll ever be again. I hope when this is over, things will go back to normal, I’ll go back to my dream of having a wife, 2.5 kids, a house 2 cars and a dog and can wake up from the distorted reality I’m living now; nut in due time and not a moment sooner. In the mean time and in between time, I’m going to focus on my career, my philanthropic and civic aspirations and my family. I’m going to work on being bigger and better than before, so that when I do walk out of rehab, I’ll be ready and willing to receive whatever woman God has for me. Until then, I’ll be using these posts as a form of therapy, letting it all out, or as much as I feel comfortable letting. Until next time, Stay Up and Stay Blessed!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Bob the Builder
Greetings! I know it’s been a whole since I’ve made a post but trust me my absence has been justified. My re-location back to the Sunshine State, while necessary, had me contemplating whether or not I bit off more than I could chew. I’ve been working harder than a Taiwanese 8 year old in a shoe factory.
The job I took over has me working the same 10-hour plus days I was working in Chicago. Additionally, the program is in far worse shape than neither I nor anyone else really knew. On a scale of 1-10, coming in, I thought the program was a 5 or 6. Now that I’ve had time to see it for myself, I’ve downgraded it to about a 2 or 3. Going into this job, I thought I was improving and renovating an already sound project. The reality is—is that it’s a rebuilding, restructuring and repairing project, which to this point has been physically and emotionally draining. The kids are great, and they motivate me to put in the time and energy that I do every day, but there’s a lot more to this job than just dealing with them. After questioning whether or not I made the right decision, I decided to accept the challenge, put on my hard hat, pray and get to work.
I’ll be one of the first to admit that I’ve been blessed with intelligence and a strong work ethic and it’s because of these attributes that I’ve met pretty much every challenge I’ve encountered with great optimism. Admittedly, this situation has caused me to question myself and my ability to handle this situation. But as I just stated, I’m ready to work. Dr. King once said, “The true measure of man it not where he stands during moments of comfort and convenience but where he stands during moments of conflict and controversy.” I’m ready for everyone to see where I stand.
What has further complicated things are the challenges I’ve encountered in my family and personal life. My grandmother is seriously ill and has spent approximately a month and a half between a physical therapy center and the hospital. Aside from the emotional strain that is coupled with having an ill relative, is the physical and spiritual strain you experience when you’re one of the primary caregivers of that relative. My mother, despite the large number of siblings she has, is my grandmother’s primary caregiver. Before she went to the hospital she made sure she made every doctor’s appointment, had food in the house and that she had everything she needed and most of what she wanted. Since she was admitted into the hospital, my mother’s responsibilities have greatly increased. She’s also responsible for paying her bills, taking care of the house, her two dogs, keeping the family together and caring for the two school age grandchildren she left behind. Understandably, my mom has been quite overwhelmed, which is a large reason why I decided to come home; to look after my grandmother and make sure my mom keeps her sanity.
I have NO regrets about my decision and get confirmation every day that it was the right decision. I’ve learned over time that the right decisions are often times the hardest decisions to make. I have no grand illusions about my 74 year old grandmother’s health, as she sits in the hospital afflicted with diabetes, high blood pressure and congestive heart failure. The doctor’s have made it abundantly clear that it’s a miracle she’s alive today with a heart working at a fraction of its capability. My prayer is that her remaining days are as pain free as possible and that my family begins to come to grips with the inevitable and is comforted during this process.
As far as my personal life goes…that’s a post for another day.
Every challenge in life is an opportunity for greatness. The adversity I’ve experienced as of late has provided me plenty of opportunities, if I overcome, to be great. I welcome the challenge and look forward to the finished product. Until next time (which I promise will be sooner rather than later); Stay Up, Stay Blessed!
The job I took over has me working the same 10-hour plus days I was working in Chicago. Additionally, the program is in far worse shape than neither I nor anyone else really knew. On a scale of 1-10, coming in, I thought the program was a 5 or 6. Now that I’ve had time to see it for myself, I’ve downgraded it to about a 2 or 3. Going into this job, I thought I was improving and renovating an already sound project. The reality is—is that it’s a rebuilding, restructuring and repairing project, which to this point has been physically and emotionally draining. The kids are great, and they motivate me to put in the time and energy that I do every day, but there’s a lot more to this job than just dealing with them. After questioning whether or not I made the right decision, I decided to accept the challenge, put on my hard hat, pray and get to work.
I’ll be one of the first to admit that I’ve been blessed with intelligence and a strong work ethic and it’s because of these attributes that I’ve met pretty much every challenge I’ve encountered with great optimism. Admittedly, this situation has caused me to question myself and my ability to handle this situation. But as I just stated, I’m ready to work. Dr. King once said, “The true measure of man it not where he stands during moments of comfort and convenience but where he stands during moments of conflict and controversy.” I’m ready for everyone to see where I stand.
What has further complicated things are the challenges I’ve encountered in my family and personal life. My grandmother is seriously ill and has spent approximately a month and a half between a physical therapy center and the hospital. Aside from the emotional strain that is coupled with having an ill relative, is the physical and spiritual strain you experience when you’re one of the primary caregivers of that relative. My mother, despite the large number of siblings she has, is my grandmother’s primary caregiver. Before she went to the hospital she made sure she made every doctor’s appointment, had food in the house and that she had everything she needed and most of what she wanted. Since she was admitted into the hospital, my mother’s responsibilities have greatly increased. She’s also responsible for paying her bills, taking care of the house, her two dogs, keeping the family together and caring for the two school age grandchildren she left behind. Understandably, my mom has been quite overwhelmed, which is a large reason why I decided to come home; to look after my grandmother and make sure my mom keeps her sanity.
I have NO regrets about my decision and get confirmation every day that it was the right decision. I’ve learned over time that the right decisions are often times the hardest decisions to make. I have no grand illusions about my 74 year old grandmother’s health, as she sits in the hospital afflicted with diabetes, high blood pressure and congestive heart failure. The doctor’s have made it abundantly clear that it’s a miracle she’s alive today with a heart working at a fraction of its capability. My prayer is that her remaining days are as pain free as possible and that my family begins to come to grips with the inevitable and is comforted during this process.
As far as my personal life goes…that’s a post for another day.
Every challenge in life is an opportunity for greatness. The adversity I’ve experienced as of late has provided me plenty of opportunities, if I overcome, to be great. I welcome the challenge and look forward to the finished product. Until next time (which I promise will be sooner rather than later); Stay Up, Stay Blessed!
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