What The Hell Am I Doing?

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands during moments of comfort and convenience but where he stands during moments of challenge and controversy.”
-Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

“What the hell was I thinking?” is the question I repeatedly asked myself after my first day of teaching. “Why did I leave my good job in Chicago to come teach?” is another question I pondered aloud along with “Is it too late to go back?” Ok, it wasn’t “that bad” but it was a challenge. Out of 4 periods yesterday, I had 2 and one of those classes had 1 student and I still felt like perhaps I was in over my head a little (well a lot). Thinking about having to go in today with 4 classes and no break other than lunch, is what led to all the questions.

I left Chicago for numerous reasons, some of which I’ve shared with you: family, quality of life, job, opportunities, etc. Another reason I decided to leave was to take over the law magnet program at my high school. I know what you’re thinking, “I know this S.O.B. did not leave his good job (with benefits) in the wonderful city of Chicago to come home and teach.” I know you’re thinking it because I’ve heard it and have thought it myself. But the truth of matter is in part yes. I did leave my job to come down here and teach.

The program was in need of a new director and I was in need of a change of scenery. Plus due to the severe bad health of one of my close family members, I decided to come home and be more than a financial help to my family. Plus I have to admit that taking over a program I used to be in, at a school I love dearly, in my hometown was very appealing to me. I would still be in a law related field, would be home, and would be working much better hours than before. Plus, there isn’t much I can do here in the legal community without sitting for the Florida Bar which I can’t do until February, so it all works out. Trust me, I have this all planned out.

The issue is that yesterday 20 kids did what ex-girlfriends, my parents, former professors and teachers couldn’t do. They did what only Freddy Krueger (when I was a kid) and snakes do to me now; scare the hell out of me. When I was standing up in front of these eager teenagers, suddenly it occurred to me that they were depending on me. I asked them their expectations of me and the program, their comments and questions echoed concerns about my commitment, whether I could and would actually teach them anything and if I will be actually sticking around. Then I realized that having 6 program directors in the span of 15 years does take a toll on a program and the kids involved; that even some of the county’s best and brightest have issues with abandonment, and that they can see right through the facades we put up. I promised those students that I voluntarily left my job in Chicago to be here with them 100% and that I would give them everything I have in exchange for everything that they have. I promised that I would teach them and that they would learn and that I would be here for them both inside and outside of the classroom.

Family, it’s not that I can’t or won’t give them my all. I question whether my all will be enough for them. They’re like dry sponges waiting to suck up the knowledge that I have for them. While I’m just as excited about this upcoming year and the years to come as they are, I am seriously concerned that maybe I won’t be good enough. For one of the first times in my life, I have a fear of inadequacy and it took a few adolescent teens to do it to me.

It’s only been 2 days and I already see that my biggest hurdles will be me overcoming myself and trusting my ability to convey a message and a lesson; and overcoming their pre-conceived notion that they’re an after-thought to me. When your teacher/program director leaves without telling you, it’s easy to put that blame on the next person to fill the void. But you know what, I knew that coming in and I expected it so it’s no surprise to me.

I actually welcome the challenge. I pride myself on rising to the occasion and if I’m truly going to refer to myself as “The Diplomat” because “I get things done” then here is one of the biggest challenges yet to get done: Undo what many of the last few directors have done, get them to trust me, buy into the program, my commitment, reach them, teach them and have fun doing it.

What the hell am I doing? I’m doing something special, something unique and something much bigger than myself. I’m teaching and I’m damn glad to be doing it. Wish me luck, keep me, my students and the program in your prayers; and pray for the best. Stay Up and Stay Blessed!